Dear World Wide Web,
Have you ever heard of the "avoiding pattern"? According to dictionary.com, 'to avoid' means "to keep away from; keep clear off; shun or to prevent from happening." And when a person begins to display this characteristic on an everyday basis, well, then psychology slaps a large sticker with red letters across your forhead that reads AVOIDER. Every one of the students I worked with struggled with this label at one point or another, whether that took the form of writing letters to family instead of working on their trap sets, or blatantly crumpling their parents' letters in front of the group, or even choosing to talk only about youtube videos instead of the deep pain they have experienced. And as I sit here at my dinner room table, at my house in Fredericksburg I am tempted to make my own sticker to slap on my own forehead.
It is 3:34 AM and I am here to declare that I am an AVOIDER.
Yes, world! It is true. I have avoided sharing with my closest friends and beloved family that I have come home from New York not only a full week early but that I have already been here for two days. I have avoided sharing with you that I quit my job on the spot, while in the field after experiencing what I like to call "emotional distress". It is difficult to summarize what drove me to ask to leave so suddenly other than my favorite psychological term of them all: anxiety. I can honestly say this seven letter word has haunted me since a small child, has brought me to tears more times than I can count, and even to moments of insanity. But it is not anxiety itself which has caused me to delay such important news to those who I love and care for most, it is the shame that comes hand in hand with anxiety that brings me to avoidance. You see, no one wants to admit weakness, let alone what seems to feel like mental illness' complete victory over my life and future. To put it simply, I left the beauty of the Adirondacks because I felt like I was going crazy. So here I am like a puppy that just got caught chewing on their master's shoe, tail between their legs and a pitiful look on their face.
There are so many experiences to process yet, so many dreams and people to still say goodbye to and so many emotions I need to allow myself to feel after a summer spent fighting them. And maybe avoidance gives us time to get in a place where we can mentally face these things without crumpling into a ball. To be able to feel grief at a maximum capacity that allows for healing. And be able to face straight on the shattering of certain dreams.
It is 4:00 in the morning now. And I will probably choose to wear this sticker for a few more days at least while I rest my body and mind, play with my cat, and allow my mom to bring me chocolate cake with a glass of milk. And I will try to rest assured that His strength is made visible in my weakness.
Love, La Loba
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