Never have I ever...

I used to play this game in high school called 'Never have I ever'. Everyone holds out ten fingers and takes a turn saying something they have never done, ex. "Never have I ever been to Europe". If someone in the group has been to Europe they take a finger away. The point is to be the last one with fingers remaining. Although it often turned crude, I have now come to value these silly games that allow us to safely open up to one another in ways we wouldn't necessarily do.

In fact, I think there are many things about each one of us that we wish to share with others and wait for the opportunity to do so, which sometimes never comes. So we carry them within ourselves waiting for someone to ask us questions. And if that doesn't happen? Then, in some odd way, we lose out in the intimate growth created by vulnerability and we disrespect others by not believing they are capable of active listening and emotional awareness. This soon becomes a subconscious habit and I have found myself hiding behind this protective barrier of remaining a "mystery" to many people here in Saranac (and even some back home). We are basically saying "Here's how our relationship is going to be. I'm going to be the one to ask the questions and in doing so I get to control the depth of this friendship, ok? And if you start to ask me questions that reveals too much then I'm out." It's a cheap way of making ourselves feel better because if no one knows our weaknesses, sees our foolish mistakes or knows we are actually broken wrecks, then we don't have to reminded of these things either. I would even go as far as to call this cowardly.


So here are some things you may not know about me:
I can eat ice cream for any meal, any day. I am picky about pens and salad dressing. My choice of tea is directly related to what type of mood I'm in. In college, I was jealous of a girl named Liana because she was so kind and joyful all the time. Mexican food makes me gassy, although I'm pretty sure this is true of any human being. I wish I had smaller feet. I LOVE aquariums. I used to play mermaid as a child in my bathtub and still wish I could be one (my name? Aqua. My fin color? Sparkly purple. My hair color? Bright teal. Holla) I am horrible at trivia, can complete thirteen back-to-back-in-water somersaults with one breath, and am terrified of never finding a fulfilling career. And today I am feeling a bit lonely.

Phew.

Here is something I am a bit embarrassed to share, yet has everything to do with my most recent decision to move to Philadelphia. I want. to be. a dancer. Yes, I know this is something only people in the movies pursue (or if you're Joanna Rose) but I can't stop thinking about it! When I'm in a grocery store with particularly smooth floors a crazy thing comes over me where I can't control myself and I have to, literally have to, spin down the aisle. Sometimes I dance when I am angry or excited. You see, I'm not interested in being a professional dancer at all, I'm interested in exploring personal expression through movement of the body. I think it is a powerful tool that is not taken advantage of as it should. And I am going to stop doubting my physical and creative capabilities and just do it, as Nike would say. Maybe it won't last, maybe it's a silly passion that will serve no purpose to the betterment of our society, and maybe, just maybe, I can glorify God in it somehow.

So what about you, dear friend? Are you holding back from sharing yourself with others? And if so, why? I pray for the boldness and courage for all of us to believe we are valuable enough to be a gift to someone.

Love, La Loba