Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

So everyone's aware of the fairytale Rapunzel, right? The girl whose locked up by her evil captor in an unreachable tower, the only entrance being the top window where one can only enter by climbing her hair? Yeah, that's the one. Well Disney, as always, has come out with a delightfully playful remix of this old tale called Tangled. Before coming to New York, I had the opportunity of viewing this masterpiece in the glorious digital quality of a comfy living room, surrounded by little girls from my church community. And let me tell you, it was a blast! And somewhere between laughing at the movie and the girls' reactions, I found myself oddly relating to this fictional character, minus the magic, glowing hair.

She's awkward, a bit clumsy and filled with strong passion. She yearns to leave her tower and explore the world beyond it and when she does, she finds danger, fear and love beyond her greatest dreams. There is one specific scene that pretty much describes my current emotional situation in a nutshell. After she finally leaves her tower, she is overcome with a see-saw effect of excitement and guilt. She is ecstatic to finally be pursuing her dream and yet guilty that she has betrayed who she believes to be her mother. And to be quite honest, this scene does more than depict my 2011 summer, it describes in the most simple fashion my often up and down relationship with the Lord.

This past week in the field was absolutely wonderful. I was once again placed in Group E (or as the girls like to say "Group Ee-dorable") but this time we were on Expo the whole time out. This means there was no property, no showers, no laundry, lots of hiking, lots of "primy" camping and much more complaining. And good news! I literally can't remember experiencing any anxiety! Thank you for your prayers, I surely felt them! I felt bold, confident in my role, and excited to experience another week life-on-life with these girls.

And yet, through out this week I struggled with the burdening question that has been following me around since I arrived: Should I stay here? On one the one hand I have been learning more than I ever have, both emotionally and logistically. I truly care for these students and have found a new heart for teenage girls that has been awakened once again. I mean, I get paid to hike in one of the most beautiful areas in the US for crying out loud! And on the other hand, I am face to face with the reality of the separation of my life and the people I love and care for. This yo-yo dynamic of heart and mind demands a resolution. So I sat and thought, I hiked and imagined and I compared and contrasted. And yet no apparent answer came to me. Then one day, one of the girls said this... "As corny as this sounds someone once told me: You miss 100% of the shots you make." And dang it, she's right. So the natural conclusion to my dilemma? I have decided to move to Philadelphia.

To some of you this may be a slightly shocking surprise and to others, a move that has been long in the making. And what has been surprising to me is how easy it has been for me to make this decision. I feel peace. One thing I have learned while being here is that as much as nature energizes and renews me, people do more so. I thrive in city-like environments and for years now have dreamed of moving to a big city. Let's all be realistic here, relationships are my forte not bush whacking.

So, to make a short story shorter, I will be staying for one last outing in the woods before I return home. Your prayers and support for me during this time have been oh so appreciated! And yet there is still a bit more I am asking for. Hopefully, over the next few days, I will be able to further explain my decision process and what my next steps will look like.

With all my love, La Loba

I am not a resume builder!

As much as I deeply desire to honestly say I am still here to build the Kingdom of God, to love troubled youth, and to fight the good fight (what does that even mean?) the fact of the matter is....

........I am a resume builder.

I know, I know! I deserve to get rotten tomatoes thrown at my tarp in the middle of the night. But alas, I must admit that one of the supporting factors that has influenced me to do another week is that it will build my resume. That's right ladies and gentlemen, if the title "Wilderness Field Instructor" didn't impress you then surely "Wilderness Field Instructor 20+ days" will. You see, so far I only have a measly 16 days of lame woodsy experience tucked under my handmade cedar belt but how much more glamorous does 20+ days sound???

Bah! I am ashamed, ashamed I say! How can I treat such an amazing opportunity with such shallow terms? I apologize to all the title bearing, description loving, label making resume afficionados out there. I am one of you. And the only thing worse than a resume builder is a hypocrite. But lend me your ears faithful blog readers! Let me explain to you my dilemma and perhaps your judgment will be softened by my predicament.

For the past six days of my time off I have been trying to understand why I felt so anxious the past week out on the field. I was hiking through beautiful areas, with the best group of kids in the program (no joke, all the staff agrees), next to amazingly supportive and creative co-staff. So what was it that made me shake in the metaphorical booties of my heart? I think it's actually something quite simple. So simple that I looked past it at first and wouldn't even consider it for awhile.

It's too quiet.

When your in the middle of the largest state park in the nation, even with 11 other people around you, one still feels the immense statistical ratio of nature against human. There are no cars whizzing by, no old neighbors chatting down the street, not even the familiar sound of the buzzing electricity lines outside. It's simply you and mother nature. And for some lucky folks this happens to be invigorating, energizing, and revitalizing for them. But for some unfortunate reason I didn't make it into that population. Instead I feel awkward and uncertain in the same situations because there are no distractions. No distractions from the problems of the people around you, no distractions from discomfort, and especially no distractions from the crap we've hidden away within the recesses of our souls. We are forced to listen to our minds and hearts and if those things don't happen to be managed and healed then your out of luck my friend.

So do you see? Do you understand why I must cling to my unimpressive resume to get through this? The sad thing is, the people who are reading this are my friends, family and loved ones and therefore you are probably going to say something unhelpful like "I believe you can do this, Jenna. Because I know you and I know you've been through harder things than this and because God has placed you here, remember?" And then where does that leave me? Actually having to believe in myself?

I like to hope that this resume builder is just a cover up for the faithful follower I really am and the reason why I am staying. I like to hope that even though I am a pretty big baby right now, I am actually influencing the lives of these campers. And I like to hope that one day soon I will believe in my strength the way God does. So off I go to round 3, chapter 23 in my life. 

Love, La Loba

Man's Best Friend, My Best Friend

This is from the top of Bakers Mountain. Saranac Lake may be the only place where you can eat dinner, get ice cream and then climb a small mountain. You can even see the little town of Bethlehem.. I mean Saranac, in the far right.

Some of my new friends invited me out to Young Life camp to watch the sunset on the "Party Barg". We drank Arnold Palmers and talked about cat videos.

 These are my new best friends. I'm not kidding. I've been spending a lot of time with these little buggers on my time off. I think I can finally understand the use of therapeutic animals. 'Major' is on the left and 'Tucker' on the right. They are obsessed with swimming and Tucker has a minor problem with licking people too much. I think I love them and I'm not afraid to say it.

 Here is a fun scene right off the main road in downtown Saranac Lake.

During my time off I like to visit the local Young Life camp. On this particular day, I had the opportunity of helping spread this load of sawdust.... with my bare hands. Man, they sure do make you work for food. Just kidding, I used a Kabota.

Come on Shakespeare, really, what is in a name?

This morning I woke up on a soft, plushy couch and then ate watermelon for breakfast. And I've started a batch of bread that is rising as I speak. This will be my fifth or sixth attempt to create the delicious oatmeal quickbread that I have found only one woman, Betsy Fisher-Rhodes, has conquered with perfection. On a light note from my previous post, here are some alternate blog titles that made it to the final round thanks to the brilliant mind of Sam Jeffrey...

Heavens Wooden Roller Coaster
Shake Weight Jesus
Marauding Woodsey Holy Rollers*
Campfire Confessionals
Tobacco is Natural  (?)
My Sweaty Summer
Transformation Takes Time
The Zero Hour
Jolly Justification
Wooden Tap Shoes*
Smokey Bible Study

* my personal favorites

Any other ideas? (I know you've got some inappropriate ones, Jeremy Sheppard)

I want to be like Bear Grylls.

I am back, once again, from round dos of wilderness adventures. This time around the 11 of us (8 students and 3 instructors) found our way into the Lake Kushaqua area where we lived for four days amidst a jungle of ferns. I didn't actually take this picture but here is a scene from the large lake area... We ate lunch on the shore a few times and even had dinner during sunset once (the girls had a fire sparked and pot boiling in 17 minutes!)

 We actually stayed near a little body of water called "Chub Pond" but chose to take the longer route to Lake Kushaqua for our water source considering Chub is really a leech infested mud region (a few of the girls gagged drinking the water and I don't blame them). In the middle of the week we hiked a tiny mountain called Little Haystack and ate lunch atop it's glory, surrounded by beautiful scenery. It is the first "summit" I have conquered here at 4,662 Ft high. Little Haystack is on the left side and Mount Haystack on the right...

It was great to be with the same girls again and to have already built connections with them coming in. The most exciting part was seeing how much they had grown from my previous time. Many are almost to the third stage, known as "wolf", which is the second to last phase of the program. And many of the girls I met during their first week to camp, who previously refused to eat oats and cried at night, now are laughing, hiking, and boldly claiming their love for oats and brown sugar.

My biggest personal challenge I faced all week was getting lost from the group for a little more than an hour. I was fortunate enough to head out on a break while the other two instructors stayed behind with the girls. So naturally, I headed toward the lake to spend my evening admiring God's beautiful creation. Finding the lake was easy shmeasy but finding the campsite was, well, not so much. At first I simply denied I was lost and continued to follow my already weak sense of direction. When I finally transitioned into acknowledgement I had retraced my steps three times, found the main road, and talked to a kind man fishing with his young son. No compass, no communication device and no GPS comforted my side; only a crinkled map of the region. The following are some of the thoughts that passed through my mind during this expedition:

"Wow, the first apprentice to get lost from their group in the history of this program."

"Double wow, how embarrassing if they have to send out a search team for me."

"Ok, I have lots of iodine tablets with me, I'm good on water. But only a handful of almonds which will have to suffice. Well, I can always eat plaintain if I have to."

"Dear Holy Spirit, grant me some of your ultimate geographical knowledge... for serious."

"I'm going to be ok, I'm going to be ok..."

"Will I have to kill a dear with my 3 inch swiss army knife, dig out it's insides and live in it's carcass for warmth?" (thank you, Bear Grylls)

"I'm so glad I ate that Cliff bar before I left"

and the winner of them all...

"What the Hell did I get myself into."

At certain points in our life we all stop and ask ourselves this same question. "How the heck did I end up where I am?" And in my case it was in the middle of a mountain, in the middle of the Adirondacks, in the middle of NY. With only the guidance of the Spirit. I am asking myself the same question today as I sit in this library using their free internet. Why did I leave such a beautiful community of friends again? Why did I choose to spend so much money to end up in a place where I know so few people? And why am I pooping in the woods again?

At last, while near tears, I found my group. I took some time to compose myself and headed back into the action. Although it was only an hour I could have sworn it was three. I am proud of myself for not breaking down and continuing in perseverence and also embarrassed to find out I was about a quarter of a mile from my group the whole time. The woods, my friends, are an entirely different world of their own.

So this is where I wrap up the whole mass of my words into one wise metaphorical sentence. And the truth is, I don't have one. I miss my parents, I miss my dog, I miss the Virginia morning mist and the sound of the JMU clock striking twelve.

Love, La Loba

PS Viewer discretion advised...

Alas! What a fun word.

Dear Friends,

I am sad I have not been able to get more posts out during my time off but turns out I had MORE training to do. And now, here I am at the headquarters preparing to depart once again. I will be with the same group of girls again which is exciting and also a little dissapointing seeing as how I was looking forward to experiencing different group dynamics. But alas! God is the perfect planner and I am going to jump into this week with a (hopefully) reckless love. And guess what? We will be on exposition which means I am headed out into the real Adirondack wilderness where we will get to hike and explore! I will be back next thursday so until then my friends...

La Loba

PS I'm going for Organic milk chocolate instead of Nutella.

The Learning Curve of Life

Dear Loved Ones,

I am out of the woods. That's right, I made it! After some serious misquito bites and a few bear fights later I find myself back in society enjoying some alone time while admiring the golden pink sunset of the Adirondacks. Where do I begin? I find that this time can be summed up in three words:

Steep.

Learning.

Curve.

Ya know, I never enjoyed statistics seeing as how I am a personal fan of calculus, but this graph-like roller coaster is kind of fun. Statistical graphs are useful because they give us an idea of what variables correlate with one another. And we see them everywhere. Red traffic lights correlate with number of stopping vehicles. Eating three pieces of pie tends to correlate with visciousness of belly ache. And number of hours olympic athletes practice correlates with olympic medals won. Get it? It's pretty simple really. But what if we were to break down our own personal lives statistically? What would this look like? And how many dimensions of graphs would we find?

This past week, Thursday to Thursday, was spent in the woods with 9 teenage girls and two co-staff. And although I was quite intimidated at the thought of this, I found that indeed they are simply little lambs needing personal direction. And I loved every minute of it. Ok, except for the time we were out of TP and I had to use the gigantic leaves of the Witche's Hobble plant. Upside? I am now an expert Witche's Hobble identifier. And guess what? These girls are Hil-Ar-I-Ous! As we hiked, I listened to them sing broadway songs and as we ate lunch I was entertained by a word by word rendition from a scene from the Shinning. I giggled inside as I witnessed over and over again the shocked look on the new students' faces as we told them that yes, they need to poop in the "luggy" in the middle of the forest. But there were hard moments too as I listened to new students cry in the middle of the night from under my tarp, overwhlemed by the strongest feeling of abandonment they have ever experienced. And when the girls shared their struggles with self-harming and mutilation. And when many confessed their complete lack of relationship with their parents. And although my resume claims I am expert with teens, there were moments where I literally had nothing to say in response to their pain.

So what does statistics have to do with this you say? And again I say "Everything!" Positive correlation is when the presence of one variable creates a "positive" or similar effect in the other. Example: lots of rain in April bring lots of flowers in May. Negative correlations have the opposite effect: an increased number of misquito bites  = less time spent outside. OK, so we got it? Now, let me share with you vicariously through a mathematical breakdown of my time in the woods...

Positive Correlations:

-number of prunes given to the student after day three of no doodie and chances of morning poo

-high heat index and number of black fly bites

-depth of sleep after 7 AM and chances my co-staff will wake me up by throwing rocks at my tarp

-Number of times I fart around my co-staff and number of rocks they threw at my tarp to wake me up

-Amount of rain on a hike and chances of me face planting in front of students

-Number of bowls of 'Spuds 'N Beans' and desire for ice cream while watching The Princess Bride

Negative Correlations:

-the near sound of coyotes howling at 2 AM and my ability to move/breathe

-number of days spent in the woods with one pair of clothes and ability to attract men

-stories shared about brokennes of homelives and my provision of any comforting words

-Need to create emotional insularity between students and myself and my ability to do so.

We've learned a lot today so I will leave you with just one more statistical rule: There is always room for deviation. Well, I am off to watch The Princess Bride and/or Tangled while eating coffee ice cream!

Adios! La Loba

 PS I won the bear fights.