So everyone's aware of the fairytale Rapunzel, right? The girl whose locked up by her evil captor in an unreachable tower, the only entrance being the top window where one can only enter by climbing her hair? Yeah, that's the one. Well Disney, as always, has come out with a delightfully playful remix of this old tale called Tangled. Before coming to New York, I had the opportunity of viewing this masterpiece in the glorious digital quality of a comfy living room, surrounded by little girls from my church community. And let me tell you, it was a blast! And somewhere between laughing at the movie and the girls' reactions, I found myself oddly relating to this fictional character, minus the magic, glowing hair.
She's awkward, a bit clumsy and filled with strong passion. She yearns to leave her tower and explore the world beyond it and when she does, she finds danger, fear and love beyond her greatest dreams. There is one specific scene that pretty much describes my current emotional situation in a nutshell. After she finally leaves her tower, she is overcome with a see-saw effect of excitement and guilt. She is ecstatic to finally be pursuing her dream and yet guilty that she has betrayed who she believes to be her mother. And to be quite honest, this scene does more than depict my 2011 summer, it describes in the most simple fashion my often up and down relationship with the Lord.
This past week in the field was absolutely wonderful. I was once again placed in Group E (or as the girls like to say "Group Ee-dorable") but this time we were on Expo the whole time out. This means there was no property, no showers, no laundry, lots of hiking, lots of "primy" camping and much more complaining. And good news! I literally can't remember experiencing any anxiety! Thank you for your prayers, I surely felt them! I felt bold, confident in my role, and excited to experience another week life-on-life with these girls.
And yet, through out this week I struggled with the burdening question that has been following me around since I arrived: Should I stay here? On one the one hand I have been learning more than I ever have, both emotionally and logistically. I truly care for these students and have found a new heart for teenage girls that has been awakened once again. I mean, I get paid to hike in one of the most beautiful areas in the US for crying out loud! And on the other hand, I am face to face with the reality of the separation of my life and the people I love and care for. This yo-yo dynamic of heart and mind demands a resolution. So I sat and thought, I hiked and imagined and I compared and contrasted. And yet no apparent answer came to me. Then one day, one of the girls said this... "As corny as this sounds someone once told me: You miss 100% of the shots you make." And dang it, she's right. So the natural conclusion to my dilemma? I have decided to move to Philadelphia.
To some of you this may be a slightly shocking surprise and to others, a move that has been long in the making. And what has been surprising to me is how easy it has been for me to make this decision. I feel peace. One thing I have learned while being here is that as much as nature energizes and renews me, people do more so. I thrive in city-like environments and for years now have dreamed of moving to a big city. Let's all be realistic here, relationships are my forte not bush whacking.
So, to make a short story shorter, I will be staying for one last outing in the woods before I return home. Your prayers and support for me during this time have been oh so appreciated! And yet there is still a bit more I am asking for. Hopefully, over the next few days, I will be able to further explain my decision process and what my next steps will look like.
With all my love, La Loba
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