I am not a resume builder!

As much as I deeply desire to honestly say I am still here to build the Kingdom of God, to love troubled youth, and to fight the good fight (what does that even mean?) the fact of the matter is....

........I am a resume builder.

I know, I know! I deserve to get rotten tomatoes thrown at my tarp in the middle of the night. But alas, I must admit that one of the supporting factors that has influenced me to do another week is that it will build my resume. That's right ladies and gentlemen, if the title "Wilderness Field Instructor" didn't impress you then surely "Wilderness Field Instructor 20+ days" will. You see, so far I only have a measly 16 days of lame woodsy experience tucked under my handmade cedar belt but how much more glamorous does 20+ days sound???

Bah! I am ashamed, ashamed I say! How can I treat such an amazing opportunity with such shallow terms? I apologize to all the title bearing, description loving, label making resume afficionados out there. I am one of you. And the only thing worse than a resume builder is a hypocrite. But lend me your ears faithful blog readers! Let me explain to you my dilemma and perhaps your judgment will be softened by my predicament.

For the past six days of my time off I have been trying to understand why I felt so anxious the past week out on the field. I was hiking through beautiful areas, with the best group of kids in the program (no joke, all the staff agrees), next to amazingly supportive and creative co-staff. So what was it that made me shake in the metaphorical booties of my heart? I think it's actually something quite simple. So simple that I looked past it at first and wouldn't even consider it for awhile.

It's too quiet.

When your in the middle of the largest state park in the nation, even with 11 other people around you, one still feels the immense statistical ratio of nature against human. There are no cars whizzing by, no old neighbors chatting down the street, not even the familiar sound of the buzzing electricity lines outside. It's simply you and mother nature. And for some lucky folks this happens to be invigorating, energizing, and revitalizing for them. But for some unfortunate reason I didn't make it into that population. Instead I feel awkward and uncertain in the same situations because there are no distractions. No distractions from the problems of the people around you, no distractions from discomfort, and especially no distractions from the crap we've hidden away within the recesses of our souls. We are forced to listen to our minds and hearts and if those things don't happen to be managed and healed then your out of luck my friend.

So do you see? Do you understand why I must cling to my unimpressive resume to get through this? The sad thing is, the people who are reading this are my friends, family and loved ones and therefore you are probably going to say something unhelpful like "I believe you can do this, Jenna. Because I know you and I know you've been through harder things than this and because God has placed you here, remember?" And then where does that leave me? Actually having to believe in myself?

I like to hope that this resume builder is just a cover up for the faithful follower I really am and the reason why I am staying. I like to hope that even though I am a pretty big baby right now, I am actually influencing the lives of these campers. And I like to hope that one day soon I will believe in my strength the way God does. So off I go to round 3, chapter 23 in my life. 

Love, La Loba