How. Dare. You.

The subway here in Philadelphia is truly a box full of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get and sometimes it turns out to be really old, cheap chocolate that fell on the ground. And sometimes you get that regular looking chocolate that turns out to be AWESOME, filled with nuggetty goodness or coconut delight (my personal favorite). It really all depends on how you want to look at it and how hungry you are.

I was on my way to work today, silently watching the battered homes pass by while on my bright blue seat, and to my not so much surprise an old haggered woman entered through the "do not pass through passenger car" sign and began approaching each indivdual for spare change. She was about 5'4", with dark skin leathered by continual winter beating, adorned with a beanie, layers of clothing and a coat far too large for her small frame. Fortunately, I had chosen a seat in the back and was given a good 30 seconds before she would be by my side, her humble words in my ears. My first decision was harder than it should be: do I ignore or acknowledge? About 75% of those who happened to find themselves in this same subway car on this relatively warm December day chose the former option. The rest fell into one of two categories, 1) acknowledge and apologize for not being able to give her money (whether they actually had money to give was another topic in itself) or 2) acknowledge and give her money. I grew frantic, options and words whilring in my mind. God, what would you do!? What would you do!? I tried to still my mind to listen but she was already a few rows from me and the inevitable interaction was about to ensue. Fortunately a week prior, I had already made decision number 1- I want to always acknowledge every human who asks me a question. It's really the only humane conclusion. Now onto decision number 2- give her money?

You're probably thinking to yourself "Just give her a few bucks! It's not that big of a deal." Well, I don't know if it can be that simple. Now, I know all of us middle classians have worried about where that money is going. Is it really going to that sandwhich for lunch you speak of? And are you really 4 1/2 months pregnant? And are you sure you have PTSD from serving in the Iraq war? My guess is that most of us assume those few dollars will eventually make their way into the hands of a drug dealer or the ABC store down the street. And surely I don't want to be the one supporting such behavior, especially with the money I worked so hard to earn! And all of these thoughts run through my mind within 30 seconds. And with all these assumptions, doubts, and judgements I am no closer to understanding what God would do.

So I do what I normally do in uncomfortable situations. I compromise. I stretch the line so that I can still get what I want and am also able to give to this person in order to save my conscience. This is where the ugly Jenna comes in. So she asks for spare change? I have spare change. She is at my side now, the same line repeating from her lips: "Any spare change? Any spare change?" Well, YES! I am glad to say that I do indeed have some spare change I can give you! I open my wallet, dig out the 67 cents of coins in my possesion and hold them out to her in my palm. She looks from my hand- to me- to my wallet, which is still open, disgracing me with the presence of dollar bills that I am obviously witholding. And the most startling thing happens. The lady waves her hand in disgust and walks away leaving me with my 67 cents, which now seems to be literally burning into my hand and conscience. My emotional response, to further my disgrace, is a deep, inner anger rooted in self-righteousness. The phrase "beggars can't be choosers" comes to my mind and I think to myself "How. Dare. You." How dare you put me in an emotionally and morally uncomfortable situation and then deny what I, out of the goodness of my heart, choose to offer??? I calm myself and continue to process this 10 second interaction that has seemed to upset me so. I come back to that darned question, "What would he do??"

A few weeks ago I attended someone's 33rd birthday in which each guest was asked ahead of time to create and prepare a 5-10 minute puppet show (stage and lighting provided of course). And there was one older gentleman who made simple hand puppets out of dish rags and string. These inglorious puppets walked through his life struggles and his most recent conclusion based on an interation he had with a beggar. His conclusion to all his hardships, sin, and displeasure? We are to love. I think of this now as I sit on the subway. I am almost to my stop. Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? I guess, God would have..... loved this human. And I was and am to do the same. Jesus often showed his love in interest. He was interested in your story and held many conversations with the least. This answer was more than I had bargained for. It would be easier to have just given her ALL my money. But to care for a stranger? And a smelly one at that?

Dear Lord, give us willing hearts.

Love, La Loba