The Sad Life of a Professional Crafter

Ok, so we're all aware of the "economic state" of The States, the hardships of the time, the struggle for financial security which has more than consumed America's newspaper headlines for years now. If America was a metaphorical baseball team we'd be down and out in the realms of financial prosperity, or so they say. If we were a sandwhich, we'd be the Po'Boy. If we were a board game, we'd be LIFE except America would have the dumpy blue station wagon with 8 kids, all in debt. Comparitively speaking of course. But not too long ago life seemed perfect! College was a time for making new friends and going to ice cream socials, making inside jokes about Indians, not to mention lots of "free" and delicious D-Hall food. The economic crisis seemed far from me if even real. Well, turns out those lunches weren't as free as I thought and apparently you actually have to pay back those annoying internet E-forms I filled out yearly called "loans". So here I am, thrust into the world like one of those ugly baby birds with patches of feathers and bulgy eyes, desperately trying to fly before it plummets to it's death, comparitively speaking of course. And well, I'm making it. Perhaps a little more like a flopping fish than a soaring Eagle but I'm gettin somewhere at least. But I'm not here to add to the already exorbitant number of complaints concerning the difficulty of making money. No, I'm here to complain about how crazy difficult it is to get a real job...

Background info: majored in psychology, minored in Substance Abuse Intervention, and professionally hung out with high school kids throughout college. So in other words, unless you need someone to give you advice on how to stop biting your nails using positive reinforcement methods, or you need to recognize the difference between meth and cocaine (which I honestly can't remember), or your angtsy teenage daughter needs someone to talk to about how awesome the Hunger Games series is, then I've got nothing for ya. And I'm not quite sure where in my post-high-school-graduate-mind I thought it would be useful to get a degree in extremely general human behavior patterns but there it is. This is what I have to offer the professional world. What could be more beneficial to our society than such attributes? Apparently alot because as I search for jobs I am finding that NO ONE is looking for a professional friend. They want efficiency driven, technologically capable, communication superheros who are also willing to do administrative work on the side. Microsoft Outlook, why do you seem so darn important! And what are youuuuuuu!?? And is "spreadsheet" a general term? Or specific to the type of paper it's printed on? These are the questions I find myself repeatedly asking myself as I look through job descriptions. So instead of feeling extremely unqualified to be an adult, I decided to write out my own perfect job, adapted to my personal strengths...

Professional Friend
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES/SPECIFIC DUTIES:
-Work is heavily focused on making Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies for others, can provide hours of entertainment for toddlers by speaking in an English accent and pretending to fall asleep.... then Wake Up!... Then fall asleep... Then Wake up!... Professional friend is willing to spend hours making tiny replicas of already tiny things and must be proficient in reading children's stories with enthusiasm (and different voices when necessary). Will ensure that kitchen stays tidy and clean while also organizing book stacks from biggest to smallest size and category. Can quickly and proficiently wrap any gift with old newspaper and can make a delicious homemade cake at the drop of a hat. Can maintain extended faux animal conversations between animals that meet on the street. Able to think of creative titles for new businesses, songs, or books and can play the oboe at a mediocre level. Has an odd infatuation with pug dogs, bull dogs and squirrels. And last but not least, is able to make others laugh with your over-the-top boisterous laugh that you have no control over. If you meet the above requirements please send your resume (don't worry about a Cover letter, no one likes those anyway) to perfectjob@gmail.com In fact, don't even send a resume, just call me.

Love, La Loba